Gone
by jjcrimminds
Summary: After every day, I find myself desperate to remember one detail about her, about the life that we shared together.
**This is a pretty spontaneous one-shot that honestly just came out of nowhere. I was working on another fic and this just popped into my head and I had to write it.**

 **To clear up any confusion, this is from JJ's POV. This is a pretty dark fic, so beware of any triggers that it might hold.**

 **As always, please leave me a review if you can and let me know what you thought.**

They say that when someone dies, their memory lives forever.

That they don't fade with time.

The memories of those who were lost are supposed to be ones that you'll never forget.

They were wrong.

Because as soon as that person is gone, your memory starts to go. You start to forget what their voice sounded like, what they smelled like, what the last thing you did with them was.

As soon as they're out of your sight, it gets harder and harder to remember.

The saying 'out of sight, out of mind' really does ring true.

It's only been three days, and I can barely remember what it felt like to run my fingers through her hair, to touch her, to kiss her.

The house feels empty without her, and yet it's like she was never here. Sure, there are things of hers here, pictures hanging on the wall. But that's just it. They're _things._ The clothes, the pictures, they won't keep her memory alive. They don't mean anything.

The only thing that could help me now is Emily.

 _Emily._

Just saying her name feels foreign now. I used to love saying her name. I used to love it because every time I said it, she would turn to me with this dazzling smile on her face and her chocolate eyes alight with love.

But now, all saying her same does is remind me that she's not here.

It's as if she never even existed.

It seems so cold and callous, I know. How could I possibly forget anything about the women I loved so deeply? The woman that was my heart and soul, the woman that held me together in the darkest of times.

How could I forget?

The thing is, once someone you love is gone, erased from existence, it's like they were never even here. They're not physically present anymore and when you don't have that connection, all else is lost.

She's gone, and I thought that I'd at least have her memory to live by, to keep me going when all I wanted to do was just give up and crawl into the grave next to her.

But that isn't the case.

Because I can barely remember her now.

Emily, my light, my soul mater, and the love of my life.

All gone.

As time passes, I hope that it will get better, that maybe I'm just in this phase that I will come out of soon.

But I know that that's not the case.

Because after every day, I find myself desperate to remember one detail about her, about the life that we shared together.

But I can't.

No matter how hard I try, I can't remember her. I can't picture her ever sitting on the couch or sleeping in my bed. I can't picture her ever loving me.

I wonder if there's something wrong with me. People lose loved ones all the time and live by the memories that they have of them. But for me, it's not like that.

It's as if the moment she died, so did my memory of her.

I can't even find it in myself to cry because how can I cry for something I don't even remember?

I thought that looking at pictures might help, but when I do, all I see is her face. The image tells me that she was once alive, that she existed at some point. But still I am trapped in this fog. It clouds my mind and surrounds my memories of her, ensuring that I never get a clear picture.

The inability to remember is slowly killing me. I oftentimes find myself hyperventilating as I strain to think of something, to find some little piece of a memory.

I need to remember her. I _need_ to. I know enough that she was my air, and without her I am struggling to breathe.

It's so hard to live in a world where the most important thing in your life is gone, disappeared without a trace. I can barely even function anymore.

It's been months now, and the fight hasn't slowed, the strain hasn't lessened. At this point, I know that those memories are never going to return to me.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I grasp the metal grip in my hand. This isn't the first time I've held it, but I've finally decided that it will be my last.

I wonder briefly if the team would even remember me. If I couldn't remember her, how would they remember me?

The thought pains me, but then I think of her, and all my hesitation seeps away.

Because I will finally see her again.

My lips curve upward in a smile, and I pull the trigger.


End file.
